Every time I travel with my kids, something inevitably goes wrong. There is a blown diaper; someone is throwing up; someone is crying, running away from us, or not listening; something got left at home; someone is whining (sometimes this ‘someone’ is my partner, SMH).
This “something” that goes wrong is not only inevitable, it is unpredictable. This leaves me over-planning, over-stressing, and ultimately unsuccessful in preventing the mess.
In the end, I feel like a bad mom—was it something I could have prevented if I just brought different snacks? Or started naptime earlier?
A Moment of Despair
It was so bad on our last trip (kids were crazy, flights were canceled, bags were lost, the list goes on…) that I came back and thought, “I’m not sure if I am cut out for this!”
Maybe I don’t want to travel with my kids.
Maybe I am doing this travel blog as an imposter—someone who thinks they have their sh*t together, but is really just a hot mess.
How do I enjoy traveling with my family when it can be so stressful and unpredictable?
On our way back from Hawaii last December I noticed (and heard) a couple with twin babies sitting a few rows behind us. Although the babies screamed most of the flight, the parents seemed unphased. They talked with each other, talked with neighbors, talked to the flight attendants, and just laughed at the situation.
There I was, sitting a few rows ahead, stressing about my baby making too much noise, kicking the seat ahead of us, or my preschooler needing more snacks, water, a book, or a different book.
Watching the other family calmly sit through a situation that usually brings me anxiety made me question why I was so anxious and worried?
Could I be calm through the storm of airplane travel with two young children too? What did I need to do to relax during these challenging moments? And how could that benefit both me and my kids?
I have high expectations of my family
I know that I expect a lot from my family. I expect that things will go perfect, that my kids will listen, will be quiet all of the time, and that nothing will go awry.
Witnessing the anonymous twin parents behind me sit calmly through the storm of two babies freaking out for hours on the plane made me think—maybe traveling with kids can be less stressful if I change my perspective.
But let’s be real, friends—no one is "perfect" all of the time, especially not our kids, and especially not while traveling.
So why am I so frustrated when things go crazy?
There are external pressures on parents/caregivers of young children to have quiet, well-behaved, well-mannered children 100 percent of the time. We also put those expectations on ourselves. In order to meet these expectations, I plan a ton! Then when things don’t go as planned, it all falls apart, and so do I.
Be mindful of life's stressors
NPR’s Life Kit Podcast’s most recent episode on “Mindfulness 101” defines mindfulness as “the awareness that arises from paying attention on purpose in the present moment, nonjudgmentally.”
They discuss the importance of paying close attention to life’s stressors instead of distracting yourself from them in order to 1) better understand why they are impacting you, 2) develop empathy for those around you and for yourself, and then 3) change the impact.
Meditation is one way to be more aware and present, leading to being more present for those around us
Now, I’m not exactly pledging to start meditating this year, but I do think there is value in paying close attention to what is stressing me out and why.
Why am I so bothered by my daughter’s whining, for example?
Recognizing that my daughter’s whining bothers me so much in the moment—or after—might help me better understand what is going on for me in these moments, as well as prep me for next time!
Dr. Becky’s podcast Good Inside is my favorite—she has great suggestions for dealing with whining (such as humor and saying “where did those whines come from? Let’s throw them out the door!” or restating a request as you wish they asked “Mama, could you please get me another glass of water?”).
Dr. Becky calls attention to self-reflection and what she calls “cycle-breakers.” She asks, “why does whining bother you so much? What was said to you when you were a child and whined?” Check her out on Facebook for more info.
Next Steps
So, I have finally come up with a plan as to how I am going to start enjoying family travel again.
Well, the draft of a plan.
Here are my three steps to overhaul my family travel expectations.
Read on to find more.
New Year, New Travel Resolutions
-Change my expectations - Life is Messy - unperfect is perfect-
Expect that my kids may struggle.
My daughters were sick last week and both wanted “Mama only,” which led to a crying match. At one point they sounded like they were screaming “Mama” in sync, and my husband and I just started laughing. Suddenly, we were all laughing at the silly moment and then were able to regroup and get everyone what they needed.
Laughing through the challenging moment allowed us to consider all of the reasons why it was happening—we were staying in an Airbnb, which was a new place for our girls. They were tired, overstressed, and sick.
Travel is tough for them too, and the most developmentally appropriate way for a toddler and a preschooler to release the pressure could be through crying or acting out.
Expect that I may struggle.
The “mother load” is real. I am a product of my upbringing. I am my parents’ child. I react to things the way they did. I am learning new skills, but I am also unlearning what I’ve been taught.
I need to expect that I may still get stressed and occasionally hold myself up to unachievable standards. I can reflect on this at the end of the day, and consider what I could try next time.
I can try to involve my partner in this discussion, too. Maybe there are elements of travel that make one or both of us more stressed and we can share that burden with each other.
Expect that things will be messy.
After a difficult few days on our last trip, when I started to question why I even considered flying to another time zone with two kids under four, I decided to start a journal.
Every night, after the oh-so-challenging day, I would sit with my partner and think of two things that went well that day. We often found there were many moments that were cute, funny, and fun—moments that got lost in the chaos.
Reflecting on these moments of joy reminded me 1) why we were traveling in the first place, and 2) that despite the often overwhelming moments of stress there can still be moments of love and joy.
So, I bought the 5 minute journal app. Every day, the app asks you to reflect on what you are grateful for and set intentions in the morning. In the evening you are prompted to reflect on three moments of joy that day and one thing you wish could have done differently.
I think the 5 Minute Journal app could help structure the journaling process I had begun with my husband as a daily reflective practice. The website claims this process can help one be more mindful and happy too…so we’ll see!
Struggle does not mean "Failure"
Basically, my new year’s resolution is to be more like the parents of those twins—expect that my kids may struggle with difficult situations, give them and myself grace when challenges arise, and laugh at the frustrating moments I can’t control.
I’ll throw in some attempts at being more mindful and reflective, too.
Travel never goes as smoothly as we wish it would, kids or no kids. Hopefully, these strategies will help me be able to do what I really love (travel) with those I really love (my family).
Wish me luck!
Puerto Rican & Indigenous mama of two. Bay Area native. Salsa dancer. Backpacker. Doula. Angel (she/her/hers) is a co-founding member of the Beautiful Brown Adventures team. She has traveled to over 30 countries and loves to explore the world with her two daughters & partner - one ice cream shop at a time.
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