A few months before my 34th birthday I was told I could never have kids. Not simply that it would be difficult, or that we would need to do fertility treatments or in vitro fertilization (IVF). No–I was told there was zero chance of me having a viable egg and therefore I would need to find an egg donor or adopt.
“There is nothing Western medicine can do to help you,” the fertility specialist said. “Try acupuncture.”
My world shattered. At that point, my partner and I had been dating for a few years and were thinking about our next steps. Marriage and kids were part of the plan. I wasn’t ready for kids right then, but I knew parenthood was in our future, or at least I had hoped one day it would be.
How did this happen? A few months prior to this revelation, I actually thought I was pregnant. After multiple negative pregnancy tests and more than a month of not having a period, I finally sought medical advice. My doctor ordered a ton of blood tests and determined that I, at 33, was in early menopause. She sent me to a fertility specialist, who then dropped the “Never having a kid E-V-E-R” bomb on me.
A Moment of Despair
About 1 in 5 women in the United States struggle to get pregnant. Like many other women who struggle with infertility, my heart ached with so many feelings:
- Guilt because I was with a partner I knew wanted to raise a family. Now that was something I couldn’t give him.
- Inadequacy because this was something I should be able to do as a human, as a woman.
- Jealous of all the people around me who had children without any challenges or issues.
- Anger at my friends and family whose response to my sorrow was, “Well, you can always adopt!”
- More guilt; I had had an abortion many years before. Was I being punished? Had that been my only chance to have a kid?
While I grieved the loss of my future family, I tried to put on a happy face around others during the holidays. I found it challenging to be around other happy families as they reminded me of what I could never have.
The grief was overwhelming at times.
It felt more productive to channel those feelings toward a solution. So, I told myself if Western medicine didn’t have the answers, I was going to find out who did. I made an appointment with a fertility acupuncturist who let me cry in her office for an hour and confirmed that the early menopause I was experiencing was not normal. I found a chiropractor who also let me cry in his office and confirmed the same. I talked to friends about what was happening to me and learned a lot about their fertility struggles.
I reached out to friends to help me reconnect spiritually and traditionally to heal. I was determined and focused, but still very sad.
Then I went to Iceland.
My partner and I traveled to Iceland for my birthday.
While ice climbing, glacier hiking, ice cave exploring, and more, the magic of the Nordic gods gave me the best gift ever.
Well…first we got engaged.
My love told me he wanted to spend his life with me, even if that meant a life without kids. He cried, I cried. It was so sweet.
Then, magically, my period came back (thank you, Thor).
Time for more medical tests
Our fertility doctor recommended that I get an HSG test (hysterosalpingogram test for blocked fallopian tubes) to ensure there wasn’t something physically wrong with my setup, even though they were 99% sure my fertility issues were hormone-related. The HSG test is often required for folks who are interested in IVF. The procedure could only be scheduled a few days after the start of a new period cycle, so the Icelandic adventure that stirred life back into my uterus was my ticket to finally getting the procedure done. Yay!
As I laid on the table, squirming from the pain of fluids being pushed through my fallopian tubes, the technician said, “You know, I’ve heard that some women get pregnant right after their HSG.” I scoffed at her, and said “Well, that isn’t my issue so…” What I meant to say was, “Mind your business, lady!”
Little did I know…
Whether it was the HSG, acupuncture, chiropractor, praying, or Thor – whatever it was, after 4 months of early menopause, I got pregnant.
Read the next installments of my “Road to Mamahood” series, where I share my journey from infertility to pregnancy, and then through two homebirths:
“Wait, I’m Pregnant?” How I found out I was pregnant after being told that I could never have kids. (Road to Mamahood Series, Part 2)
How I survived 28 hours of Labor at home – A heroine’s journey. (Road to Mamahood Series, Part 4)
Puerto Rican & Indigenous mama of two. Bay Area native. Salsa dancer. Backpacker. Doula. Angel (she/her/hers) is a co-founding member of the Beautiful Brown Adventures team. She has traveled to over 30 countries and loves to explore the world with her two daughters & partner - one ice cream shop at a time.
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