Why I Feel “All the Rage” Before Every Trip with My Family

It’s like clockwork.

The night before we leave for a trip, I’m usually in a flurry of activity packing for myself and my kid, as well as our collective family. My husband can typically be found keeping our kid occupied or finding some separate unrelated activity–it seems ANYTHING but packing or checking in about what we need to accomplish before we leave.

Pack my clothes, our kids’ clothes, toiletries, snacks, sunscreen, camping gear, etc.
Plan the meals
Plan the itinerary
Buy the tickets

Him

Pack his own clothes
Wash the dishes (sometimes)

I wait expectantly for him to acknowledge that we have a number of things on our to-do list, or at least ask me what I need help with. But as the night wears on I become sorely disappointed when he has done neither of those things (let alone attempt to assist in packing or acknowledge that it feels like I’m carrying the weight of our family on my shoulders), and is instead ACTIVELY ignoring me (playing video games, scrolling through Instagram, etc.). And when I finally blow the eff up and confront him about it, my partner feigns ignorance, which pushes me into a further spiral of rage.

I stand down. While fuming I wonder to myself: Is it me? Am I being too much of a perfectionist? Am I just better at remembering these things? Should I stop faulting my partner for not remembering? Am I being an ungrateful spouse by complaining and being angered by my belief that my partner doesn’t help “enough”?

Suffice to say, we start every trip furious at each other and have to wait until we’re well on the road before we can even begin to address it. Sometimes we make up fairly quickly and over time–and with mediation from our marriage therapist–we often come to some common understanding and resolutions about how to be better the next time. For example, I try to let go of certain expectations I have, and my partner tries to walk towards the problem rather than stonewalling. Even with these solutions and outside help,it is almost a guarantee that by the time we have to pack up for the next trip the cycle starts all over again!

Sound familiar? If any part of my personal account resonates with you, then pull up a chair ’cause I got some preaching to do! Even though it may seem like it, you are not alone! In fact, you are anything but.

Why do my partner and I always find ourselves in this situation? The Gottman Institute finds that the majority of issues in relationships are “perpetual” and will never be truly “solved.” Even though that is true, it feels like there’s something more at play here than just the perpetual clash of two personalities about how to prepare for a trip. Why does it always feel like I care too much and am somehow penalized for it because I am the only one willing to pick up the pieces? It’s not just exclusive to trips, because we get into some form of this argument in many other aspects of our partnership and life (Emma sums this up quite nicely in her comic, “You Should’ve Asked“). I find this to especially be true when it comes to caring for our little person together.

I started reading Darcy Lockman’s book All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership (provocative title, right?!?) after yet another of these arguments with my husband. And once I started reading, I couldn’t stop. I would huddle under the covers after everyone in my house had gone to bed and read page after page.

Using information gathered from interviews and research studies, Lockman shows that the unequal load carried by cis-women in heterosexual relationships (the ones Lockman interviewed; it’s not clear from what racial backgrounds) is not a natural phenomenon; it is actually the result of learned gender roles that have been dictated by sexism and the patriarchy.

I felt both affirmed and horrified by the realization that everything I had been feeling over the years about the supposedly “equal” but definitely uneven load within my relationship was splayed out on the pages of this book. It was affirming because I knew that it wasn’t just “me” as I would often come to blame, and horrifying because it was clear that countless other cis-women (a notably privileged group, relatively speaking) were experiencing these difficulties, pretty much as a matter of course. Almost every anecdote was something I or one of my other mama friends had experienced, and I found myself highlighting quotes on practically every page! Quotes like:

The husbands I knew, my own included, were engaged in myriad ways with their children—nothing like the retro stereotype of the guy who rarely left the office and refused to wipe a tiny dirty ass. But once they’d outpaced Don Draper in the annals of fatherhood, these men seemed content to retreat to their beds with their phones. We each, male and female, lived with an awareness of a recent past in which nothing much was expected of fathers at home. So who were all us mothers to be angry, to fail to greet every participation by our partners with less than a dozen roses and applause?

Darcy Lockman

"All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership

I mean, come onnnnn! This quote really hit home for me; the acknowledgement that things are better than they used to be, but that the load can still be unequal. That latter part is the real kicker, especially as a kid who grew up in the 90s believing that equality was real and possible. Not only has Lockman put words to my feelings but backs it up with data, too?!

Certainly at first, my relationship seemed decently “equal”, with my partner and I contributing to the relationship what we each do best. But as the items on my to-do list began piling up–especially with the birth of our child who required much of my time, energy, and body–I began to notice that my partner’s list didn’t grow at a comparable rate. To be fair, my partner was the daytime caregiver for the first three years of our kid’s life; no small feat and one for which I am eternally grateful. At least he helps…? What a privilege to be a cis-het female complaining about such a partner! Again, from Lockman:

As for these otherwise decent men, their awareness that they were more involved than the fathers of yesteryear also led to much confusion, to their inability to absorb and respond to their wives’ levelheaded rejoinders that this more was not enough. I became my own worst enemy, conflicted about my right to ask, self-conscious about my rising anger, and too often stuck with the choice between fighting or just taking care of it, whatever it was, on my own. It was disheartening. All around me, women articulated their frustrations to each other before minimizing them into oblivion. “At least he helps,” I heard these women say, abashed by their own fury and protective of their partners’ best intentions. That no man in history had ever been in the position to utter that phrase—“At least she helps”—was a thought we weren’t eager to entertain.

Darcy Lockman

"All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership"

So what’s a displeased wife to do, whether or not she feels this relative-deprivation theory? There’s no end in sight to patriarchy and sexism, so any progress made will be painstakingly slow. In my case it’s helped for both my partner and I to name the imbalances and inequities that occur both outside of and within our household (it’s especially helped that he’s now also read All the Rage!). The two of us can identify inequalities in today’s society, while also acknowledging the ones that occur in our own relationship. Reading the book has sparked similar conversations with other coupled friends, and we even organized a book club and group discussion, lessons from which I’d love to share in another post.

For now, I hope the simple acknowledgement that all is not right in the world affirms your own experience. It is not just “you.” You’re allowed to be in a rage, because today’s reality of sexism and patriarchy and oppression are rage-inducing. I’d actually be more concerned if you weren’t mad at the world! Let our partners, our children, and our communities be angry, too!

Let’s channel that rage into energy that joins us together to dismantle these systems of oppression. And even if we don’t smash the patriarchy in our own lifetimes, at least we can pass the baton to future generations knowing we did our best to bring that vision to life.

Angelica

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Angelica (she/her) is of Cebuano(Pilipinx)-descent and was born and raised in Huchiun Ohlone territory (the East Bay Area--pay your Shuumi Land Tax!), where she also now resides with her partner and their toddler. She loves to spend her time sipping on boba and dirty chai lattes (sometimes together), and eating pescetarian goodies at BIPOC-owned cafes and restaurants.